Tag: epidemic of loneliness

Ponderings on self-revealing love

September 2, 2023

Yikes.

I am reading David G. Benner’s book, Opening to God, Lectio Divina and Life as Prayer. Early in the book, he writes “Genuine prayer always begins in the heart and is offered by act of opening our self as we turn toward God in faith” (page 18). “Growth in prayer is learning to open more and more of our selves to God” (page 19). Benner also goes on to write on the following page, “….God is ever reaching out in self-revealing love….”

Yikes…..the passage “God is ever reaching out in self-revealing love” hit me like a ton if bricks. In the context of prayer, I began experiencing God’s love via prayer in October, 2016 [I tell of how I “heard the words” growing up that “Jesus loves us,” but I heard it much like children in the Charlie Brown movies heard their teacher’s voice as “wah…wah…wah” – words that we don’t actually take in. It wasn’t until October, 2016 that I actually experienced – in prayer – that God loves me. Experiencing that God loves us sure gets a person’s attention!]. Yet, reading Benner’s passage last night about “self-revealing love” got my attention in quite another way.

We are meant to have rich relationships with both God and each other. Christ indicated that the greatest commandments are to “Love God and love your neighbor” ((Matthew 22:36-40)….. Add to that “self-revealing love” – insight toward a solution for a particular and vexing challenge. Many first-world countries are experiencing an “epidemic of loneliness” (see the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 report on the “Epidemic of Loneliness“). I myself have spent much of my life feeling varying degrees of social isolation – the awkward introvert, feeling like the ignored, boring, and lonely social wallflower who senses a wall between me and the world. Why waste time making this self-revelation? Because we’ve all got room to grow and because showing our own experience is part of the poetry of sharing the human experience…..

Related to the topic of social isolation, the idea of “self-revealing love” isn’t just suppose to be God’s self-revelations to us. As we are to “love God and love our neighbor,” how many of us engage in self-revealing love with one another? Frankly, I don’t do that well – if at all. When I read Benner’s passage about God’s self-revealing love to us in prayer, I moved from “God provides us with self-revealing love” to the emotional weight of thinking – by extension – “We humans should self-revealing as part of ‘love one another.’ I don’t do that. I don’t self-reveal nearly enough.” No wonder I’m boring and lonely. I come across as a blank slate in which people aren’t able to see who lives under my skin. I then immediately and easily thought of people who engage in self-revealing love in their social and family interactions. We all want to be around those people!

A public example of a self-revealing individual – who self-reveals as an act of love – is the priest and popular author Henri Nouwen. Nouwen was willing to self-disclose in his popular books that he spent years struggling with self-doubt and conflictedness about his sexuality. What a “self-revealing love” gift to share with readers (I – as a reader – was moved when I read that. “Wow! We don’t often hear priests talk about their inner experience regarding their sexuality….”). This wasn’t just self-revelation: it was self-revelation in a vulnerable sort of way that helps lay readers see their own humanity in a respected faith leader. It seems to me that this was one of the aspects of lovingness that makes Nouwen’s writings so well read (there’s a quote on the Henri Nouwen Society website from a reader who mentions Nouwen’s willingness to live vulnerably).

Self-revelations in our social interactions add a level of depth to our relationships with one another and can – should – be part of how we love. Of course, there are appropriate parameters – what time we brush our teeth, etc. can border on the ridiculous; I’m referring to self-disclosing those aspects of ourselves that make us human. Some of the people I know who are most appreciated in their social circles are people who both love the people around them and make themselves transparent with gusto. For those of us either don’t self-disclose or love (or both) with gusto, there’s a challenge in learning how to do so! One prayer that is consistently useful and that could help with this topic is one that allows God to turn me into a better human (it’s a form of surrender): “God turn me into the person you want me to be. Help! You’re going to change me better than I can!”

Kim Burkhardt blogs at A Parish Catechist and The Books of the Ages. If you are a new visitor, it would be great to have you follow this blog (thank you!). If you know someone who would like this blog post, please share it with them so they can subscribe (thank you!).

Growing in faith is an act of community

June 30, 2023

“There’s a longing in our hearts…..” So goes the song. A longing to connect with the divine.

On the matter of how we develop a relationship with the divine… In recent decades, there has been a growing number of people who identify as “spiritual but not religious.” The Barna Group, in their studies on “spiritual but not religious (SBNR)” individuals, describe this SBNR demographic as having a “spirituality that looks within;” that “to be religious is to be institutional—it is to practice one’s spirituality in accordance with an external authority. But to be spiritual but not religious is to possess a deeply personal and private spirituality. Religions point outside oneself to a higher power for wisdom and guidance, while a spirituality divorced from religion looks within. Only a fraction of the two spiritual but not religious groups (9% and 7%) talk often with their friends about spiritual matters. Almost half (48% each) say they rarely do it, and they are 12 (24%) to eight (17%) times more likely to never talk with their friends about spiritual matters than both practicing Christians and evangelicals (2% each).”

In western society, we also have an “epidemic of loneliness” in which too many lonely individuals are longing for community. The U.S. Surgeon General, in his 2023 report on the “Epidemic of Loneliness,” speaks – on page 23 – about a return to more involvement in faith-based communities as part of the solution to this epidemic.

A “spirituality that looks within” and is divorced from formal religion can certainly be tempting (I’ve “been there, done that.” I am actively learning to grow out of that perspective! Even many mystics and hermits live in some degree of community.). While we absolutely and essentially need time for personal reflection and quiet prayer (daily, for me), to look within can too easily become a lonely, isolated endeavor – rather than a community-centered faith in which a significant aspect of our faith is an outward-driven focus on being of service to other people.

The two greatest commandments are “Love God and love your neighbor” (Matthew 22:36-40). Love – like faith – is a verb! As a verb, love is more than having positive feelings about or toward someone; it’s about an outwardly-focus doing of loving actions. Love your neighbor requires faith-driven community (rather than loneliness!), despite any protestations to the contrary. …..”Yes,” some will say, “But I can be good to people as a result of my inward spiritual-but-not-religious faith pursuit.” To some degree, perhaps. A faith community, however, pulls us actively out of ourselves more than we typically achieve solo. In a faith community, a group’s social dynamics pull us out if ourselves (serve the good of the group and individuals within the group). Further, there are group “love your neighbor” volunteer activities (soup kitchens, etc.).

Cultivating one’s faith within a faith community – rather than doing faith solo – is an active antidote to our “epidemic of loneliness.” “There’s a longing in our hearts…..” (so goes the song). The results are in; we have to give up some of our treasured inward-looking autonomy to gain some freedom from our epidemic of loneliness. Joining a faith community and becoming active in that faith community is good for our health.

Kim Burkhardt blogs at A Parish Catechist and The Books of the Ages.